Have you heard about . . .

– the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.

– the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.

– the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.

– the psychic cat? He was adopted from the E.S.P.C.A.

– the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.

– the dyslexic cat? He cried, “Woem, weom!”

– the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.

– the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.

– the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth, duck-filled fatty puss.

– the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn’t hack it.

– the cat who was a comedian? His name was Groucho Manx.

– the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any sounds? She developed a purr-senility disorder.

– the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently scored fur under purr.

– the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, “Why don’t you let me lead one of my own lives?”

– the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to catch the tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.

– the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, “Me ow!”

– the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had Sandy Claws.

– the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mouse hole? She waited with baited breath.

– the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.

– the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They both strained themselves.

– the cat who robbed McDonald’s and Wendy’s? She was a cat burgerlar.

– the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it had kittens.

– the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of shredded tweet.

– the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.

– the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place cat litter in his box? He didn’t have anything to go on.

– the teeny-tiny cat? She drank only condensed milk.

– the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.

– the cat who married a tree? They had a catalog.

– the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it – and she started from scratch.

– the cat with chutzpah? He was a pushy cat.

– the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in that kitty.

– the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby, crabby, gabby tabby.

– the mother cat looking for her straying kittens? Like a poet, she listened for their mews.

– the feline who impeded the iceman’s work? The cat got his tong.

– the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a first-aid kit.

– the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat the other by a lap.

– the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm Friedemann, Johann Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were all born in a litter Bachs.

– the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia, clawstrophobia, and purranoia.

– the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was arrested for kitty littering.

– the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said “Free Cats”? So he went in and did.